A lesson I learnt from God without realising it at the time

I grew up in a Christian home which meant I attended church regularly with my family. In fact, we went to church on most Sundays. As I got older, I found myself going to church on my own. It became more than just the choice that was expected of me. It was something I actually wanted to do. Needless to say, I’ve heard many sermons over the years, too many to even count.

Despite the number of sermons I’ve listened to, there’s a book in the Bible I‘ve only ever heard preached on once. That book is the Song of Songs. If you’ve heard many sermons as I have I’m sure you can attest to this. If you’re not familiar with it, it contains poetic depictions of the love and longing between a man and a woman. Yet I still found myself wondering why it was never preached on in church but more about that sermon later.

I was about 14 or 15 years old when this book took on a different meaning for me. I went to boarding school and we had a schedule for everything including study time. It was evening study time and I seldom studied during evening study time in my O’ Levels. Instead, I used the time for anything else from reading novels to performing impromptu skits for the class with my best friend and partner in crime. At one point, I even started writing a novel.

To give you some insight into my frame of mind at this point, I was in a phase where I was questioning and seeking. I believed in God, in His existence. I prayed and read my Bible regularly. I believed the things they taught me in church and in Sunday School or Catechism to be exact. Yet I still felt like I was missing something. It was as though I was looking for answers to life and wasn’t quite finding them. 

The way I was taught to live my life as a good Christian seemed both desirable and unattainable. I couldn’t see how the teachings applied to my everyday life. It was as though I invested time in prayer, reading the Bible, and attending church but to what end?  In my eyes, my life remained the same to a certain extent. I still spoke the same and acted the same and thought in the same ways. Still, I found myself wanting to know more about this God who loved me to the point of dying for me.

I believed I loved Him in return though I felt like I didn’t quite understand Him or His ways. In my seeking, I started going to church more to find the answers to questions I couldn’t even articulate. It was compulsory to attend Sunday Mass in boarding school but I began to go to the optional mid-week mass as well. I would attend prayer meetings that were also optional. Whilst I enjoyed them, I still felt like something was amiss.

I also started to read my Bible more. I was reading Song of Songs on this particular evening. I’d read the book before and, like many, believed it to be about lovers. Song of Songs 3:1-4 (GNT) stood out for me and it goes:

Asleep on my bed, night after night
    I dreamed of the one I love;
    I was looking for him, but couldn't find him.
2 I went wandering through the city,
    through its streets and alleys.
I looked for the one I love.
    I looked, but couldn't find him.
3 The sentries patrolling the city saw me.
    I asked them, “Have you found my lover?”
4 As soon as I left them, I found him.
I held him and wouldn't let him go
   until I took him to my mother's house,
    to the room where I was born.

I was delighted when I read this. It put into words how I felt in my seeking and questioning. I felt like I was searching high and low but couldn’t find what I sought. Not only that but, in my mind, it held a promise at the end that I would find this God that I sought. I would find these answers that I felt I needed. We were asked to share our favourite Bible verses and what they meant to us in our religious education class not long after that. I was so excited to share this passage and why I loved it.

Curiously, it was met with some discomfort, amusement, and a fair share of blank faces. No appreciative nods. No murmurs of agreement. No one adding their two cents on to what I’d just shared. I thought to myself, “Am I completely off-the-mark on this one?” I was still delighted nonetheless. I remember referring back to it again and again when I felt frustrated or discouraged in my seeking and questioning about life and God. In fact, I clung to it.

Remember that sermon I mentioned earlier? The only one I’ve ever heard based on Song of Songs. Well, that happened about 14 years later. To my pleasant surprise, not only did the minister preach on Song of Songs 3:1-4 but he echoed exactly what I thought and felt 14 years earlier. He said that what that woman described can be an analogy for the longing that we have for God because we were made for relationship with Him. He placed that yearning in our hearts. It also depicts the diligence and persistence with which we should seek Jesus.

The childhood home the woman brought her lover can be used as an analogy for our hearts. We should bring Jesus there and hold onto Him and never let Him go when we find Him, the operative word being “when”. It was such validation to hear that sermon because it meant I wasn’t off-the-mark all those years ago after all. I wondered where I would have gotten such a perspective from that was so spot on. That sermon sounded like it was preached from notes from my experience 14 years earlier. I couldn’t help but conclude that it must have been God.

I believe He answered my questions and seeking even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I didn’t recognise His answer for what it was until I heard the sermon. I had been saved a couple of years when I heard it. In my mind, it meant God was speaking to me even when I felt like I didn’t truly know or understand Him. He was present and responded to my seeking even when I couldn’t articulate my questions let alone recognise His response. His response still makes me glad to this day and is as relevant now as it was then. He is the one I sought and found, the one whom my heart loves.

Love,