Overcoming heaviness and defeat

Trigger Warning: Sensitive Content – contains topics pertaining to depression, suicide and spiritual influence.

I was scrolling on social media a couple of days ago and came across a post titled “Lifting Heaviness” posted by someone I follow. The title was quite jarring and I paused for a second then scrolled past it. “This sounds like a heavy post,” I thought to myself, “I don’t think I’ll engage with this.” Yet something made me come back to the post. I opened it and found it linked to a video that was 26.09 minutes long. “Oh, that’s too long! Perhaps I’ll save it and watch it another time,” I said to myself knowing full well I wouldn’t watch it later.

However, my curiosity got the better of me so I decided to just peruse the video, catch the important bits, then keep it moving. Nitah, the vlogger, described an encounter she had with the spirit of suicide and heaviness (I did mention it’s jarring). She described how this spirit disguises itself as your inner voice, presenting itself as your own thoughts so that you’re more receptive to its suggestions or influence. She also spoke about how it isolates you from those who love and support you the most.

Lastly, it comes with a sense of heaviness so that you feel like you are incapable of doing anything. It overwhelms you and everything feels dark and difficult. This caught my attention. God ministered to me through a video that I’d been unwilling to watch in the first place. See, just before I came across it, I’d been feeling down and heavy. At one point, I remember thinking to myself, “You’re worthless. You’re nothing. Everything you touch turns to ash. Look at your life!” Now, I vowed many years ago never to entertain suicidal thoughts, so those never come up for me.

Nonetheless, another equally life-draining thought does. In my defeat and feeling of despair in that moment, I asked God to take me out, take me home because my life wasn’t worth living. It’s not the first time I’ve said this to God. I also thought to myself, “Are you sure God has healed you from depression and anxiety. It seems like you’re still struggling with it. Maybe you just want to imagine that you’ve been healed.” As someone who’s suffered from depression and anxiety in the past, I began to realise I’d become a little too familiar with that feeling of being down, heavy, overwhelmed and feeling like you can’t do life and that’s not from God. 

You can imagine just how timely the testimony and prayer from Nitah were! My primary coping mechanism has been to isolate and retreat into myself. It begs the question, “Is that truly a personality thing or is that something that the enemy has attempted to put on me?” I don’t know. I don’t have the answer. I’m willing to take it to God and let him lead the way. In the same way I believe he healed me from the depression and anxiety that robbed me of life, I believe he will work this out. God is faithful and true. He is mighty to save. Jeremiah says:

“ Heal me, Lord, and I will be healed;
save me and I will be saved,
for you are the one I praise.”
Jeremiah 17:14 (NIV)

This post was not easy for me to write. This post is vulnerable and raw. Anyone who knows me knows I’m a very private person but I think it’s important to share. I believe the biggest step in overcoming anything is breaking the silence and stepping into the light! Even as I am writing this, I feel a burden and a sense of heaviness attempting to wash over me but Jesus stands and fights for me. I am concerned about being judged or about offending someone especially those who have lost a loved one to suicide or have attempted it.

However, there may be someone out there who needs to hear this and be encouraged by it. Perhaps this will serve to make someone feel less alone or like there’s something wrong with them. Hear me, there isn’t! You are worthy. You are loved. You are precious. If you can’t believe or accept this, I pray that God will reveal this to you in a personal and intimate way so that you would accept and believe it. May God minister to you, revealing himself to you everywhere you go and in everything you do. May he heal those places within you that are broken, traumatised and hurting. May he end the isolation and the loneliness. I pray that you experience his love and grace right now. In Jesus’ name 🙏🏾 Amen.

Love,