life

Lessons from a Broken Canister: Living in a broken world under God’s rule

| Flo

I felt the slip and heard the crash almost simultaneously. Glass shattered and fell on the counter before me. Some fell on the floor at my feet. My tea canister smashed on an ordinary day in May of 2022. I’d gone to put it back in its place a little too quickly. It slipped from my hand and crashed on the kitchen counter. Annoyance and sorrow rose up in me. Annoyance because I felt like I could have been more careful with it. Sorrow because I liked my tea canister and now it was gone, shattered, one more thing in a string of things I’d lost lately. 

Turning over the canister, I assessed the damage. My tea bags were still intact and unspoiled, thank God! I do love my tea… and coffee. Part of the bottom of the tea canister was obliterated. The rest of the canister was surprisingly still in good shape. Annoyance and sorrow. To me, that seemed like a very strong emotional response to a broken tea canister. A little disappointment perhaps but sorrow?! Frustration?! Why was I grieving like this over a tea canister? Then, I realised it was because I’d lost a lot lately and began to recount the losses that made me feel sad.

I lost a set of face masks that I loved. They were soft, slick, fashionable and most importantly, breathable. They fell out of my bag, unnoticed. A comfortable pillow that contoured my face just the way I like got lost during a recent relocation. An old notebook that contained vital information I needed got taken out with the trash because I threw it away before I realized what was in it. As I considered these losses, I thought to myself, yes, they were losses for sure, but did they warrant the strong emotional response I was experiencing?

It was then that it hit me! I was living in an internal reality where I felt like nothing in my life lasts. As I was cleaning the shattered glass, I caught myself telling myself, “Don’t be sad. This world is passing away anyway. That’s how it is.” What I saying to myself was that nothing lasts so I should not be surprised nor take it so hard when I lose something or face change. I also realized that this world view, this internal reality, was birthed out of painful and bigger losses – a job loss, the loss of a beloved daughter, the disappearance of financial security, the passing of my dear dad.

I’ve overcome the loss of friends, of love, of investments, of happiness. I’ve faced it with God and He has brought me through to the other side again and again, but I do not remain untouched. Each time I emerge, I’m not quite the same person as before. I’m stronger, richer, more grounded, and refined. Yet, unnoticed, this idea that nothing in my life lasts has taken root. The idea of losing one more person that I love or one more thing that I enjoy or value confronts me and threatens my joy and sense of security. 

But God…

Recently, during a time of prayer and fasting, I was reminded of God’s promise of restoration and protection (Psalm 34, Psalm 91). God promises to give beauty for ashes (Isaiah 61:3), joy for sorrow (Jeremiah 31:13) and to pay back all the years (Joel 2:25-27) that the locusts have eaten i.e. that hardships and misfortune have plundered His children. I remind myself of these promises and hold onto Him who loves me and made those promises out of love. It is not inaccurate to say that this world is passing away. If there is one guarantee that anyone has in this life, it is change. But we can hold onto His promises and unfailing love. He, alone, is unchanging and permanent.

I don’t have to worry about or grieve the impermanence of this world or walk around dreading when the next shoe will drop and neither do you. Change doesn’t have to be fear-inducing. We do not need to become morbid and worry about potential loss which is a natural part of life on Earth. As that old advertising adage goes, “But wait, there is more.” Jesus is the more. He is everlasting, ever-present, all-powerful, faithful and generous. 

God always fulfils his promises! I personally believe I shall see them come true and experience his blessing and goodness even in this passing world. The world may be fleeting but God is not! And in Christ, neither am I! His joy and peace and hope and love are everlasting. I hope to have a full life in this world but I do not hold onto it. I hold on to my Father and His promises and that’s enough for me. That certainly brought me comfort that morning when my tea canister broke.

Love,

The Subtle Idols We Hold: A Reflection on Faith

| Flo

I’m sitting close to the front like I always do, listening to the minister preaching. Today, he’s talking about idols – the things we hold near and dear. The things that can take the place of God.

I listen to him talk about vices, the things that spring to mind first when we think about idolatry. The things that feed our greed or fears or desires so easily. Then he starts talking about the second type of things we idolise, the things that are not as intuitive. He talks about exercise, careers, being a good friend, family, and even worship or ministry. The things that are considered good and even glorify Him, but we have the tendency to make them about us or try to receive from them what we should be receiving from God alone.

In any case, now I’m super attentive, and the message is resonating with me. For example, I find it so easy to get caught up in worship songs as they comfort me, minister to my soul and form part of my day-to-day life. It can be problematic if they start to provide meaning in and of themselves as opposed to drawing me closer to God or worshipping Him. Sometimes, we forget we are lifting up Jesus and honouring Him. It’s about the tune, the melody, the lyrics, the joy of singing, the memories it evokes, and perhaps not as much about Jesus as it should be. Exercise is another big one for me. I confess that I find it a lot easier at times to commit and wake up early for a hike or a morning workout than for Bible reading or time with God. 

What about the countless times I’ve cared more about a loved one’s opinion than God’s. It’s ever so subtle, like consulting them first before praying and feeling like you’ve gotten all the counsel you need and you never get to talk to God about it. So now, my interest was piqued as the pastor spoke. Towards the end of the sermon, he asked everyone to consider what they’ve been idolising, especially the subtle and virtuous things we don’t realise we put before God. Is it a spouse? Is it friendship? Is It work? Is it being a worship leader? Is it being a minister? Is it a child? And there it was…

“Okay, Father Dad, I am giving her to you. I still hope and pray you’ll bring miraculous healing but she is yours. I surrender her to you.”

God spoke to me in that moment and brought the baby I was carrying to mind. She was suffering from a fatal disease in utero, but up till then, I had been praying and believing for a miracle. It was towards the end of the pregnancy, just over a month to go. And clear as day, I heard my Heavenly Father say to me, “Give her to me.” Still, quiet, gentle but unmistakable. “Give her to me.” I was shocked. I turned it this way and that way in my head. I stored it in my heart and wrestled with it all the way home, but by the time I arrived home, I had a response. “Okay, Father Dad, I am giving her to you. I still hope and pray you’ll bring miraculous healing but she is yours. I surrender her to you.”

Funny that, isn’t it? She was already His. Entrusted to me for a time but, ultimately, she was already His and here I was, wrestling to give back what wasn’t mine to begin with. A week later, I was in hospital, water broken. She was coming! The week had been the hardest week. I was sad. I was depressed. I just knew in my soul that I wouldn’t get to keep her. Though I had willingly given my daughter to her Heavenly Father, it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before or since. Another week passed and she was born on a surreal Friday and went home to heaven to be with her Heavenly Father. I told her we would see each other again and sing a thousand hallelujahs on the other side of the veil.

I would like to believe she was a worshipper of note. She always moved a lot during praise and worship in church or when I was upset. That may seem like nothing but not for her. Because of her condition, she couldn’t and didn’t move much. I believe she was such an empath and she loved to praise her Father. Many, many years have passed since that Friday, since that promise. Today, I was reminded of it because of a TV show – someone going through my story, right down to the baptism of her baby soon after birth before the baby passed.

A couple of things stood out to me. Though my eyes welt up with tears a little bit, there was no pain. All I could say was God, you are good, through it all. The fact that I am no longer bent and broken inside and I can think of her fondly, feeling blessed can only be God. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know whether I was going to be okay. Lots of advice and choices came my way but there was one choice I made that made all the difference – faith in Jesus and His faithfulness. He came through again and again. He is still doing so.

God is a good father. He showed up and taught me He is trustworthy. He showed me that He is the Good Shepherd. He introduced Himself as the lover of my soul, Faithful and True, Saviour King, Redeemer, ever-present Help and so much more. I chose to believe Him and, my oh my, He is the gift that keeps on giving all manner of goodness.

Are you in a storm today? Perhaps you’re searching for answers? Who do you commit your plans to? Have you put your hopes, dreams, desires in things – maybe even good things – but something tells you that’s not “IT”, there has to be more? Or maybe you needed a reminder today – a story like mine? I urge you to make a choice. Choose Jesus. Ask Him to introduce Himself to you and show you who He is if you don’t know Him. Perhaps you do but your perspective of Him is dulled and skewed by life or pain or too many voices or other choices. 

Invite Him in once more. Ask Him to do what only He can, what only He knows you need from Him.

Love,

Flo 

Stillness

| Flo

Of mind, heart and soul.

My best friend and I had a call and, true to form, it was a long call. We spoke for a good two hours. The call was just what I needed. I had had a particularly challenging week on so many fronts which resulted in reflection and asking myself some really hard life questions. I needed someone to talk to about and potentially help me navigate the head space I found myself in. I’m very blessed to have friends and family with whom I can speak freely.

What did I need to talk about? Well, what do you do when you find yourself in a space where you’re not happy with where you are in life or the trajectory that you are on. The short and obvious answer is change it. It’s never too late to pivot, to change your life and start investing in yourself and in the future you dream of. It’s never too late rebuild. I have been on this journey for a little while now and have invested a lot time and energy on rebuilding and pivoting.

I have prayed many times and asked God for guidance and help. I believe I’ve seen and heard God respond in several ways, some of them surprising, some of them challenging, most of them exciting. Many of them are promises; they have not yet come to pass. I’ve attended masterclasses and watched more webinars than I care to count. I’ve started to read again, something that had fallen on the back burner in the busyness of adulting as did my writing. I have done a lot of introspecting. I have tried as best as I could to implement what I’ve learnt.

As long as there is breath in my body, I am resolved to do the work I need to do to become a better version of me and live the life I believe I am called to live. The challenge though is that it is not always clear what that looks like and, or how to get there. It can also be very difficult and demoralising when you do not see the results for your efforts yet. It’s very easy to start feeling or operating like that fly at the window bashing it’s body against it in a bid to get outside not knowing that that’s a fruitless path.

So there I was, pouring my heart out to Bestie. I expected we were going to breakout the pen and paper at some point and systematically rework ‘the plan’ as it were. Instead, she said something I did not anticipate. She encouraged me to find a space, physical or otherwise, where I can be still and in a state of surrender.

In that space I should sit with God and leave room for Him to be God. Like that fly against the window, it may be that I am bashing myself on a path that is not for me. Meanwhile, God wants to show me an open window I can fly through and soar.

On the other hand, perhaps the fly analogy does not apply to me and I need to keep pushing forward in faith – on a side note, why am I even using a fly analogy? I find them repulsive, but anyway, I digress. Either way, the best thing I can do is to still myself, still my soul and wait on God. This reminded me of a sermon I heard some years ago about waiting on God. The preacher described how waiting on God cleaves you to Him. That is, you stick closely and are glued to Him. He went onto to add that cleaving to God makes you stronger and provides you with the best support to rise, to grow.

He gave an example of a climbing vine growing against a wall or structure. Without the support, this vine cannot rise or grow well. However, once it has grown on and intertwined with a structure, it is stronger and cannot be easily torn down. That sermon really spoke to me at the time and I recalled it as Bestie spoke. Her words resonated with me even more as a result. I was focused on what I needed to do, when I needed to do it and how I was going to do it. These are not negative things to keep in mind; however, it all was starting to feel a bit too much for me.

I was feeling discouraged and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I wanted and needed to accomplish. Quite frankly, I was starting to look for an escape. Well, I may have found one. I’m looking forward to finding a serene and beautiful space to sit and visit with God. I’m anticipating stillness of mind where I surrender the myriad of thoughts and plans and questions running through my head. I am looking forward to the stillness in my soul, nothing weighing on me. My heart shall be still as I seek God and what He has in store on the other side of this season. Even now, I feel the peace of God flooding in.

Love,

Cheesecake and dreams

| Flo

You will enjoy it and be blessed

Have you ever had a food craving so bad that you can almost taste the thing you’re craving? You see it in your mind’s eye? You practically taste in your mouth? I don’t know. Perhaps, it is just me. I get very specific food cravings sometimes, and worse, at times, it doesn’t go away until the craving is satisfied. That was me yesterday. I’m a sucker for a baked cheesecake on any given day but yesterday, as I lay in bed, I craved for a creamy, decadent, well-baked cheesecake that’s not too sweet or rich but just right.

Today, I decided to spoil myself to a slice. Off I went to a shop near me that sells good cheesecake. When I got there, there were two options, a blueberry cheesecake and what looked like a traditional cheesecake. My interest was in the blueberry cheesecake, however, an unexpected option presented itself – an indulgent-looking chocolate and hazelnut cake. That’s another thing about me. I always want to explore all options before making a choice. If you give me enough choices, trust that I’ll contemplate each one a fair amount.

The restaurant where I was buying the cheesecake is attached to a supermarket, and on weekends, they bring cake from the restaurant into the supermarket to entice shoppers with a discounted price. Instead of just standing there pondering whether I’d stick with the cheesecake or switch to the chocolate cake, I decided to go and buy some other items I needed whilst I was thinking. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for me to decide. It was the cheesecake that had my heart. So, I returned to the cake station ready to make my purchase. 

There was only one slice of the cheesecake left. It had my name on it. I had a date with that cake. In front of me was a man buying several slices of the runner-up chocolate cake. I waited patiently for my turn as he changed his mind about how many slices he wanted and the server complied. When he was done, he didn’t move away. I watched as, almost in slow motion, he gestured towards my cake! He was buying it! Well, I suppose I could have just a regular cheesecake, I figured. There he was again, gesturing towards that cake too!! 

At that point, I lost it. I couldn’t let him get away with my cheesecake.

“You’re buying them?” I asked. Before he could even respond, the lady behind the counter piped in, “You were here earlier when there were three slices. You should have jumped at the chance but you just had to take time to decide.” She wasn’t being unkind and I knew she was right. I couldn’t focus on her words though. I was determined to save my cake. “Don’t you want a slice of that other amazing cake over there?” I smilingly asked the man. He smiled back and said he didn’t. 

I was not deterred. “You know, I’ve been thinking about cheesecake since yesterday,” I tried again, “Don’t you wanna trade for that equally delicious-looking lemon cake?” This time he laughed and gave me a brotherly side-hug. “No, I’m sorry. I want the cheesecake.” I was in disbelief. Did that just happen?! I had just missed out on my cheesecake. “I didn’t want your hug, sir,” I thought to myself, “I wanted your cheesecake!” Luckily though, the lady behind the counter decided to help me out. She explained that because it was New Year’s eve, they hadn’t baked a lot of cheesecake, but, if there was any left in the restaurant, she’d sell it to me for the discounted price.

In the restaurant, they had milk tart cheesecake. I was disappointed. This isn’t the level of decadence I was looking for. If my memory was accurate, I’d had it before and it was a little too rich for my liking. I wanted a citrusy or zesty tang to my cheesecake. The thought of going for the chocolate cake was even less appealing. Yet another thing about me, once I set my mind on something, I don’t change it easily. I wanted cheesecake, so I decided to go with cheesecake even though it wasn’t the flavour I wanted. On the way home, I felt God comforting me. It began to melt my disappointment away.

All at once, I felt silly. There are bigger things going on in the world, and, here I was, overly invested in a cheesecake slice. In that moment, there was God again saying, “It is okay.” I could feel that familiar warmth of His love and presence that feels like the biggest hug enveloping me. I decided that if my Father in heaven cared that I was disappointed about a cheesecake and chose that moment to minister to my soul, I would take it and stop feeling silly. I did pray for my perspective to shift from just me and my immediate circumstances to Him and what He is doing.

“You will enjoy the cheesecake,” I heard God say, not once, but several times as He continued to minister to my soul. I had thought that I would have my cake later in the evening or even tomorrow because I didn’t my disappointment to spoil my enjoyment of it. However, He encouraged me to have it when I got home. Why? Because I would enjoy it, He said. Life and dreams are a little bit like the cheesecake, aren’t they? Sometimes, you want something so bad. You can see it. You can almost taste it. It has your name practically written on it. And then… You do not get it.

Perhaps, you take your eye off the ball. Perhaps, someone swoops in a little faster than you do. Perhaps, it was just not meant to be. However, God is too good, too generous, too kind and too much of a blesser to ever leave you empty handed. God is too sovereign and too much of a planner to leave things to chance. Even when you don’t get what you want, God will always give you what you need. Moreover, you will be blessed by it.

I did enjoy that cheesecake, guys, every bite of it. It was just the taste I had dreamed of yesterday and didn’t even realise it.

So, whether it’s something as small and mundane as cheesecake or something as big and life-changing as that dream job or life partner or child of your own, God knows it all. He knows about it, and He cares about it. He cares about you, and He walks with you every step of the way, guiding you even when you don’t realise it. He comforts you when you need it, and He fulfils that dream. Now, it may not always be fulfilled in the way that you wanted or hoped but God will fulfil it and you will be blessed. Just put your trust in Him!

Love,

Basking in the Sun

| Flo

A beautiful day has dawned

Picture a beautiful day. It’s a day like any other yet there’s a special quality to it. The air is fresh and sweet. Birds are cheerfully singing melodious tunes. The sky is a clear and radiant blue. The people you encounter look joyful. There’s a sense of peace and calm in the air. Everything seems just right, it is as it should be. There’s a soft, cool breeze that feels like a caress on the skin, and the sun is out in all its splendour.

It’s not too bright so that it hurts the eyes. Nothing conceals it this day, it is smiling down on this wonderful day. Its warmth touches the skin, so pleasant and uplifting. One can’t help but close eyes, turn face towards it and just bask in it. Bursts of orange appear behind closed lids, so vibrant like the day. Contentment seeps in and every muscle relaxes as each deep and contented breath fills the lungs like never before.

A thought. This is life. This is life at its fullest! This is life as it should be. A fitting thought because, indeed, with the Son, such is life. His sun never sets. His loving kindness never grows cold. His light shines on all and cannot be concealed or subverted. His warmth seeps into the fibres of your soul – there bringing life, there bringing healing, there bringing sustenance. His protection, like the rays of the sun, falls on and envelopes everything He touches.

The cold of loneliness is dispelled. The chill of fear thaws and melts away. The dark of confusion dissipates. Despair shatters and hopelessness falls. In the light of the Son, freedom and hope reign. Hearts and lives are full as His own soak in His abundance. Goodness will never leave. Unmerited favour will never abandon. A beautiful day has dawned, the day of the one true King, Jesus Christ. Come, let us bask in the light of the Son.

Love,