I’m sitting close to the front like I always do, listening to the minister preaching. Today, he’s talking about idols – the things we hold near and dear. The things that can take the place of God.

I listen to him talk about vices, the things that spring to mind first when we think about idolatry. The things that feed our greed or fears or desires so easily. Then he starts talking about the second type of things we idolise, the things that are not as intuitive. He talks about exercise, careers, being a good friend, family, and even worship or ministry. The things that are considered good and even glorify Him, but we have the tendency to make them about us or try to receive from them what we should be receiving from God alone.

In any case, now I’m super attentive, and the message is resonating with me. For example, I find it so easy to get caught up in worship songs as they comfort me, minister to my soul and form part of my day-to-day life. It can be problematic if they start to provide meaning in and of themselves as opposed to drawing me closer to God or worshipping Him. Sometimes, we forget we are lifting up Jesus and honouring Him. It’s about the tune, the melody, the lyrics, the joy of singing, the memories it evokes, and perhaps not as much about Jesus as it should be. Exercise is another big one for me. I confess that I find it a lot easier at times to commit and wake up early for a hike or a morning workout than for Bible reading or time with God. 

What about the countless times I’ve cared more about a loved one’s opinion than God’s. It’s ever so subtle, like consulting them first before praying and feeling like you’ve gotten all the counsel you need and you never get to talk to God about it. So now, my interest was piqued as the pastor spoke. Towards the end of the sermon, he asked everyone to consider what they’ve been idolising, especially the subtle and virtuous things we don’t realise we put before God. Is it a spouse? Is it friendship? Is It work? Is it being a worship leader? Is it being a minister? Is it a child? And there it was…

“Okay, Father Dad, I am giving her to you. I still hope and pray you’ll bring miraculous healing but she is yours. I surrender her to you.”

God spoke to me in that moment and brought the baby I was carrying to mind. She was suffering from a fatal disease in utero, but up till then, I had been praying and believing for a miracle. It was towards the end of the pregnancy, just over a month to go. And clear as day, I heard my Heavenly Father say to me, “Give her to me.” Still, quiet, gentle but unmistakable. “Give her to me.” I was shocked. I turned it this way and that way in my head. I stored it in my heart and wrestled with it all the way home, but by the time I arrived home, I had a response. “Okay, Father Dad, I am giving her to you. I still hope and pray you’ll bring miraculous healing but she is yours. I surrender her to you.”

Funny that, isn’t it? She was already His. Entrusted to me for a time but, ultimately, she was already His and here I was, wrestling to give back what wasn’t mine to begin with. A week later, I was in hospital, water broken. She was coming! The week had been the hardest week. I was sad. I was depressed. I just knew in my soul that I wouldn’t get to keep her. Though I had willingly given my daughter to her Heavenly Father, it hurt like nothing I had ever experienced before or since. Another week passed and she was born on a surreal Friday and went home to heaven to be with her Heavenly Father. I told her we would see each other again and sing a thousand hallelujahs on the other side of the veil.

I would like to believe she was a worshipper of note. She always moved a lot during praise and worship in church or when I was upset. That may seem like nothing but not for her. Because of her condition, she couldn’t and didn’t move much. I believe she was such an empath and she loved to praise her Father. Many, many years have passed since that Friday, since that promise. Today, I was reminded of it because of a TV show – someone going through my story, right down to the baptism of her baby soon after birth before the baby passed.

A couple of things stood out to me. Though my eyes welt up with tears a little bit, there was no pain. All I could say was God, you are good, through it all. The fact that I am no longer bent and broken inside and I can think of her fondly, feeling blessed can only be God. I didn’t know what was going to happen. I didn’t know whether I was going to be okay. Lots of advice and choices came my way but there was one choice I made that made all the difference – faith in Jesus and His faithfulness. He came through again and again. He is still doing so.

God is a good father. He showed up and taught me He is trustworthy. He showed me that He is the Good Shepherd. He introduced Himself as the lover of my soul, Faithful and True, Saviour King, Redeemer, ever-present Help and so much more. I chose to believe Him and, my oh my, He is the gift that keeps on giving all manner of goodness.

Are you in a storm today? Perhaps you’re searching for answers? Who do you commit your plans to? Have you put your hopes, dreams, desires in things – maybe even good things – but something tells you that’s not “IT”, there has to be more? Or maybe you needed a reminder today – a story like mine? I urge you to make a choice. Choose Jesus. Ask Him to introduce Himself to you and show you who He is if you don’t know Him. Perhaps you do but your perspective of Him is dulled and skewed by life or pain or too many voices or other choices. 

Invite Him in once more. Ask Him to do what only He can, what only He knows you need from Him.

Love,

Flo