Don’t worry about the realm of possibility when praying
I was listening to one of my favourite speakers talking about leadership this morning. He’s a very eloquent and intelligent man who I find quite inspiring. He spoke about how there are different seasons in life and what’s important is staying consistent through the seasons. To illustrate this, he mentioned how you could pray to whichever deity you believe in to change the temperature of the day and it won’t since the seasons are set. I was reminded of an experience I had several years ago when yours truly did, in fact, pray such a prayer.
It was early evening and I was on the train home from work. There was heavy rain pouring outside and the wind was whipping against the train windows. I was not looking forward to walking home from my stop. The walk was fairly short, about eight minutes, much less if I jogged. However, I would have been drenched by the time I got home. I decided to pray about it and asked God to make the rain stop falling! Honestly, I don’t know what I expected to happen. I figured one of several scenarios could happen. The first scenario was that the rain would actually stop. I didn’t think this was likely but I asked for it anyway. Why pray small, right?!
Secondly, I figured that if the rain didn’t stop entirely, then perhaps there could be a pause. I figured that this would have been just as effective as the rain ceasing completely. It didn’t have to be a long pause either. I just needed the rain to stop for an eight-minute window maximum 🙂 That would’ve been long enough for me to get home nice and dry. That failing, I hoped that at least the rain would subside. I would have been quite okay walking in the rain as long as I was dealing with a light shower. I got off the train and watched the rain as I waited for the answer to my prayer. To my dismay, the rain seemed to get worse. “Do I wait longer, Father God?”, I asked. Getting no discernible response, I decided to just walk home. I felt a little betrayed. I’d asked for less rain and got more!
Then it happened. The answer I never anticipated or asked for arrived. I’d just crossed the road next to the station when someone called out to me. It was Alison, a lovely lady I knew from church, and she offered me a lift home. She was headed home from a church meeting. I wondered, “Was this a regular church meeting? Did she normally take that route home after said meeting?” The answer was no to both. It was mere coincidence that she was where she was at that specific time. My mind was blown. I felt silly for feeling betrayed by God. He simply had orchestrated a response that I hadn’t asked for or anticipated. I arrived home fairly dry and very humbled.
As I remember this experience this morning, I feel both encouraged and challenged. This year, 2020, started heartbreakingly when I lost my dad in January. That has since been followed by other life storms such as the global spread of COVID-19, the lockdown resulting from it, personal challenges of finding my new normal, dealing with further loss within my family, and more. These life storms have seen me crying out to God asking Him to make the rain stop. In some situations, I see the rain subside. In others, I see temporary respite as though I were in the eye of the storm. Yet in some, I have seen the rain worsen.
I’m encouraged because this story is a reminder that God cares about my current life storms. In the same way that he showed concern about me not getting drenched in the rain that day, he is concerned about me not getting drenched in these life storms now. He always hears and responds even when I don’t perceive it. Sometimes I perceive His response as delayed or not what I asked for or both. I am challenged to continue trusting Him when what I see and experience is contrary to what I hope for. I am challenged to continue relating to Him as a good and loving Father in the rain just like I would when the skies are clear.
Thank you, Lord, for adopting me into your family. You found me when I was lost and you chose me for yourself. I have your DNA in me because you made me in your image. As part of your family, I am called by your name. You redeemed me at a high cost, gladly laying down your life for me so that I could be reconciled with you. I have a close relationship with you as a result. I am forever yours and you are mine. Not only did you make this possible, but you also revealed it to my heart. I have found my true identity and confidence in you. Because of you, I know what it means to belong, to be accepted, and to be loved perfectly.
Oh, your perfect love! You love me with a deep, unwavering, unshakeable, unconditional, fierce kind of love. I thought I knew what it was to love and be loved and then I met you. You are love personified. You are so kind, tender-hearted, patient, slow to anger, quick to forgive, and good to me. I can never exhaust your patience or your love. I can never drive you away with my shortcomings and mistakes. You are aware of every single one and yet you remain steadfast in your love. I enjoy exploring and discovering the depth and breadth and height and magnitude of your love.
You are a wonderful and good father. Whilst you do not condemn me for my sins and shortcomings, you do not ignore them either. You do not stand idly by and watch me take the foolish or wrong or dangerous paths in life. Instead, you watch diligently over me and lovingly correct me when I misstep. You reprimand me and teach me the right way to live my life. You empower me and provide me with everything that I need for each day. You provide me with what I need to live for and please you. I love that you invite me alongside you to be a part of what you’re doing in the world. When you called me, you called me for a purpose. You also abundantly provide me with everything that I need to fulfil that purpose.
Where do I find the words to thank and praise you for your provision? I have never met anyone as generous as you. Your heart is to bless and bless exceedingly. You never give in small or half measures. Whenever you give, you give a good measure, pressed down, shaken together to make room for more, and running over. You provide for every aspect of my life and for every occasion. You inspire and enable me to be generous because you’re generous. You choose to bless others through me just as I am blessed through others. Thank you for your generosity. Thank you that you concern yourself with my needs.
Speaking of concern, I am blown away by how you who is mighty, sovereign, omnipresent, omnipotent God concerns himself with me. You call me precious and honour me because you love me. You sing songs over me. You have many thoughts about me, too numerous to count, and every single one of them is good. You make plans for my future, plans to prosper me and to give me purpose. You are for me and not against me. You’re always cheering me on and encouraging me. You are always with me. You are my father, my brother, my best friend, lover of my soul, my teacher, my counsel, my defender, my everything.
I am so grateful for you. I adore you. I honour you and praise your holy name. I praise you for who you are. I praise you for what you have done, what you are doing and what you will do. I praise you because you are worthy of all praise. I just wanted to write this letter to express how much I love and appreciate you. Thank you for loving me first. Thank you for giving me life. You make me glad and my heart sings with joy. You give me peace and hope every single day. You are my safe place, my home, my anchor, my stronghold. Ndinokunamatai Baba. Zita renyu ngarikudzwe, nazvino, narini.
Jesus showed up just when I needed the company and a new perspective
I absolutely love walking. I’ve enjoyed walking for as long as I can remember. I take the opportunity to walk as often as I can. One morning, I was visiting a friend who lived across from the Rondebosch Common in Cape Town. The Common is an open piece of land popular for running and walking. On that morning, I was trying to get my friend to go for a walk with me around the common. It was a beautiful day. The sun was out but it wasn’t hot. Walking is good exercise and is good for the soul. These are some of the things I said to her entice her to join me. She wasn’t too keen. Eventually, I gave up and decided to go walking on my own.
Rondebosch Common, Cape Town
I’m not sure why her deciding not to join me for a walk upset me but it did. Perhaps I had been hoping to spend some quality time together. Perhaps I just wanted the company and felt a little rejected when I didn’t get it. In any case, I set off along the Common, walking briskly and purposely as I went, partly because of my mood but also because I was determined to get my exercise in, soak up some sun, and then get on with the day. I’m not sure that I initially enjoyed that walk. I started praying not long into my walk. As I prayed, I slowed down considerably and as I slowed down, I noticed a shift in my perspective and my mood.
I began to notice my surroundings, things that had been there previously but that I had not been aware of. I had been caught up in my thoughts. I had also been walking too quickly to notice. My focus shifted from one thing to the next as I walked around the Common. My attention would be drawn to something and I would just consider or notice it then my focus would shift to a different aspect. I wasn’t deliberately shifting focus. It was as if my mind was being drawn to something. When that happened, the things I’d noticed previously wouldn’t just disappear out of focus. The new aspect would augment the experience and I’d see or hear it all together as if it was being layered, one thing over the other. It was as if I was watching and experiencing the moments in concert.
Initially, I noticed the sounds around me: the cars, the birds, the insects, and the leaves rustling in the wind. Then that was layered by sights of life happening all around me. I noticed the birds flying overhead. I saw some grasshoppers hopping about in the grass nearby. I noticed people going about their day. Then my attention was drawn to the cool breeze against my skin, offsetting the warmth of the morning sun. Eventually, my attention turned to my feet falling one in front of the other before me, and inevitably, my attention turned inwards to my thoughts and emotions. I immediately realised that I was enjoying the walk so much more compared to when I first started. As I continued to walk, I couldn’t help but see a parallel to life and draw some life lessons from it.
Slow Down
Often, I am busy and rushed in my day-to-day life. I’m sure you can relate to the need to get things done, ticking items off a to-do list, getting the proverbial monkey off your back, and keeping that productivity up. These are good things but sometimes, left unchecked, they can rob you of the joy of living. I often find myself caught up in and distracted by the challenges of the day or of the moment. How many things have I missed or not noticed as a result? How much enjoyment have I foregone? On the other hand, when I slow down, I can take in so much more and enjoy so much more. When I slow down, I become present which I find is a better state of mind to operate from.
Worship through Nature Nurture
Speaking of being present, as I became aware of the vegetation, the birds, the insects, and the life all around me, I also became aware of the litter. Sadly, there was litter on the Common and on the pavement that I was walking on. I was shocked because I didn’t remember seeing litter there before and thought, “When did this happen?” I felt saddened because it marred the beauty I had been enjoying just a moment earlier. “Look at your creation, God. Look at what we’re doing to it,” I said to God. I felt so moved I started to pick up as much trash as I could as I went along. It felt awkward at first, to be honest. I did it nonetheless because I felt like God was telling me that to nurture and take good care of the things He created and the things He loves is an act of worship.
Focus Outwards
When I first started walking that morning, I was inwardly focused. I was focused on the slight rejection I’d felt. I was focused on my need to get some exercise in for the day. I was focused on what I needed to do after my walk. I was also focused on enjoying my walk yet, ironically, because enjoyment had become a task to be ticked off a list, I wasn’t getting much of it. It was only after I started praying and focusing on God that I could sense what God was drawing my attention to and teaching me through my surroundings. Only when I slowed down and my focus turned outward to the beauty of life around me did I begin to truly enjoy my walk and appreciate my surroundings. Only when my focus shifted outward did I notice the state of the Common and could do my part about the litter I was seeing. I couldn’t help but be reminded that where I place my focus matters. I live life better and am a better person, in general, when my focus is on God, firstly, and outward on the beauty of life and of playing my part in the world.
An unexpected result of looking for opportunities for God to use me
Sometimes, listening to Baba (God) can be exciting and delightful. By listening, I mean hearing and following through on what He places on your heart. At other times, it takes you down a path that may surprise or even shock you. It may lead you to do something you never imagined you would see yourself doing; something that may cause you to question yourself and perhaps even question Him. Did You really say this? This was one such time.
This was about eight or nine years ago. It was a school night and I was on my way home from work. It was early evening when I got off the train at my stop. I went through the subway and emerged on the other side, as usual, ready to start my short walk home. My evening took an unexpected turn then. There on the steps of the subway, on the other side, was a child sitting alone. Some people would walk past, pausing to look as they went. Others stopped and looked around for an accompanying adult, clearly disconcerted by what they were seeing and not sure what to do about it. They would eventually move on.
I got to the child and stopped. I too was unsure of what to do. I too lingered and looked around for a parent, a police officer, a security guard, anyone who would know what to do. See, the child was about 2 years old by my best guess, give or take, and could not talk yet. Talking to them and asking questions would not give me any answers. It was getting dark and I couldn’t hang around for long. I also could not, in good conscience, leave the child there. My phone battery was dying at this point. Phoning someone for help wasn’t an option. I didn’t know what to do. I just remember feeling deep concern for the child’s wellbeing and safety. At that moment, I decided to walk the child home with me.
In my mind, I figured I might run into one of the police or security cars that sometimes patrolled the neighbourhood along the way and ask for help. That failing, I would get home and charge my phone then call someone. Either way, it would also give me a chance to figure out what to do whilst looking out for the child at the same time. By this point in time, it was abundantly clear that the child was unaccompanied. As I started to walk, my heart was pounding. I imagined the “child police” jumping at me out of nowhere and charging me with abduction. No one did. “Am I really doing this?” I asked myself. The questions and thoughts in my head were numerous. I was scared yet I felt confident that I was doing the right thing.
A quiet inner voice reassured me that this course of action was the safest at that moment. That I was a safe bet for the child given the circumstances. Still, I asked myself, “What do I do next? I have work tomorrow. What if I have to look out for the child past tonight? What do I feed and clothe the child? Why am I even thinking about feeding and clothing the child?” It dawned on me that I didn’t know who to even call for help or how long they’d take to respond? Where would they take the child? What would the process be like? What would my involvement in the process be? I was already invested so I knew I wanted to be involved until it was resolved.
Then I thought, “What if someone is back at the train station and frantically looking for the child? Perhaps I should have stayed put at the station” On and on these thoughts went as I walked home with this child. Yet I felt I could trust God and that He was in control of the situation. I prayed and trusted that He had a plan. I walked very slowly, trying to match the child’s walking pace. I decided to carry the child at some point. Eventually, we got home. I was still scared and oddly calm at the same time. The child seemed calm, comfortable, and very trusting. At some point during my many prayers that evening, I felt like God was telling me to return to the train station before calling any authorities. It couldn’t have been long after we got home.
So I made the way back, again, questioning my actions and praying profusely. “See, perhaps I should have stayed at the station after all,” I thought. Then immediately thought it would be secluded and probably unsafe to hang around there by now. When I arrived at the station, the first person I noticed was a lady in a car. She saw me with the child, parked her car, and we got to talking. It turned out that she was from a church where the mother of this child went to. The mother was going through a desperate situation. The lady in the car was helping and mentoring her in her time of need. On this particular evening, she felt her desperation would endanger her child so she reached out to the lady in the car for help.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, the lady in the car got stuck on the way to the station. Meanwhile, the mother felt that she had to flee her child for the child’s safety. The result was that the child was alone at a train station for some time. Whilst many things could be said about this situation, what stood out for me was how God moved in and directed the situation. He watched over that child affectionately and diligently as is His nature. Firstly, I love kids. I have a big heart for them. It’s in my nature to want to nurture and protect a child. That’s why I said earlier that I was a “safe bet” for the child. I don’t think it was a coincidence that I met that child that day, at that time. I think it was part of God’s provision for the child.
I believe that God moved me to go out of my way to protect the child. I acted in a way that seemed odd even to me at the time. I think my actions were a reflection of and inspired by God’s heart for the child and perhaps for everyone involved. The lady in the car was distraught after getting stuck and not being able to reach a helpless child as quickly as she’d intended. She prayed for the child’s safety and future which suddenly seemed to be hanging in the balance that evening. Where would the child wind up if she didn’t arrive in good time? I believe God heard and answered her prayers. He made a way for that child to be safe, protected, and right where they needed to be at just the right time. It was also a lesson for me.
If I allow Him, God involves me and lets me play a role in His plan. It’s not always exciting or fun. It may be scary or odd. It may test me. However, God knows my strengths, weaknesses, and capabilities. Above all, He has a plan for me and for others. If I trust Him and stay receptive, He can use me for the good that He is doing such as protecting and watching over a child in need. By choosing to respond to what I believed God was leading me to do, I got to see God’s goodness and provision in action first-hand: for the lady in the car, the child, and perhaps even the child’s mother. This experience surprised and blessed me. God is good even when life gets messy. I hope hearing this story blesses you too.
A lesson I learnt from God without realising it at the time
I grew up in a Christian home which meant I attended church regularly with my family. In fact, we went to church on most Sundays. As I got older, I found myself going to church on my own. It became more than just the choice that was expected of me. It was something I actually wanted to do. Needless to say, I’ve heard many sermons over the years, too many to even count.
Despite the number of sermons I’ve listened to, there’s a book in the Bible I‘ve only ever heard preached on once. That book is the Song of Songs. If you’ve heard many sermons as I have I’m sure you can attest to this. If you’re not familiar with it, it contains poetic depictions of the love and longing between a man and a woman. Yet I still found myself wondering why it was never preached on in church but more about that sermon later.
I was about 14 or 15 years old when this book took on a different meaning for me. I went to boarding school and we had a schedule for everything including study time. It was evening study time and I seldom studied during evening study time in my O’ Levels. Instead, I used the time for anything else from reading novels to performing impromptu skits for the class with my best friend and partner in crime. At one point, I even started writing a novel.
To give you some insight into my frame of mind at this point, I was in a phase where I was questioning and seeking. I believed in God, in His existence. I prayed and read my Bible regularly. I believed the things they taught me in church and in Sunday School or Catechism to be exact. Yet I still felt like I was missing something. It was as though I was looking for answers to life and wasn’t quite finding them.
The way I was taught to live my life as a good Christian seemed both desirable and unattainable. I couldn’t see how the teachings applied to my everyday life. It was as though I invested time in prayer, reading the Bible, and attending church but to what end? In my eyes, my life remained the same to a certain extent. I still spoke the same and acted the same and thought in the same ways. Still, I found myself wanting to know more about this God who loved me to the point of dying for me.
I believed I loved Him in return though I felt like I didn’t quite understand Him or His ways. In my seeking, I started going to church more to find the answers to questions I couldn’t even articulate. It was compulsory to attend Sunday Mass in boarding school but I began to go to the optional mid-week mass as well. I would attend prayer meetings that were also optional. Whilst I enjoyed them, I still felt like something was amiss.
I also started to read my Bible more. I was reading Song of Songs on this particular evening. I’d read the book before and, like many, believed it to be about lovers. Song of Songs 3:1-4 (GNT) stood out for me and it goes:
Asleep on my bed, night after night
I dreamed of the one I love;
I was looking for him, but couldn't find him.
2 I went wandering through the city,
through its streets and alleys.
I looked for the one I love.
I looked, but couldn't find him.
3 The sentries patrolling the city saw me.
I asked them, “Have you found my lover?”
4 As soon as I left them, I found him.
I held him and wouldn't let him go
until I took him to my mother's house,
to the room where I was born.
I was delighted when I read this. It put into words how I felt in my seeking and questioning. I felt like I was searching high and low but couldn’t find what I sought. Not only that but, in my mind, it held a promise at the end that I would find this God that I sought. I would find these answers that I felt I needed. We were asked to share our favourite Bible verses and what they meant to us in our religious education class not long after that. I was so excited to share this passage and why I loved it.
Curiously, it was met with some discomfort, amusement, and a fair share of blank faces. No appreciative nods. No murmurs of agreement. No one adding their two cents on to what I’d just shared. I thought to myself, “Am I completely off-the-mark on this one?” I was still delighted nonetheless. I remember referring back to it again and again when I felt frustrated or discouraged in my seeking and questioning about life and God. In fact, I clung to it.
Remember that sermon I mentioned earlier? The only one I’ve ever heard based on Song of Songs. Well, that happened about 14 years later. To my pleasant surprise, not only did the minister preach on Song of Songs 3:1-4 but he echoed exactly what I thought and felt 14 years earlier. He said that what that woman described can be an analogy for the longing that we have for God because we were made for relationship with Him. He placed that yearning in our hearts. It also depicts the diligence and persistence with which we should seek Jesus.
The childhood home the woman brought her lover can be used as an analogy for our hearts. We should bring Jesus there and hold onto Him and never let Him go when we find Him, the operative word being “when”. It was such validation to hear that sermon because it meant I wasn’t off-the-mark all those years ago after all. I wondered where I would have gotten such a perspective from that was so spot on. That sermon sounded like it was preached from notes from my experience 14 years earlier. I couldn’t help but conclude that it must have been God.
I believe He answered my questions and seeking even though I wasn’t aware of it at the time. I didn’t recognise His answer for what it was until I heard the sermon. I had been saved a couple of years when I heard it. In my mind, it meant God was speaking to me even when I felt like I didn’t truly know or understand Him. He was present and responded to my seeking even when I couldn’t articulate my questions let alone recognise His response. His response still makes me glad to this day and is as relevant now as it was then. He is the one I sought and found, the one whom my heart loves.
One of my worst fears has just been realised. Just over three weeks ago, my father passed away. I pause just after typing that. It still feels so surreal, as though it were a dream or someone else’s story, not mine. The reality of it is still sinking in despite the ache that I feel in my broken heart. I’ve carried the fear of losing a loved one for a while now because, for one, it is devastating especially when it’s someone that close to you. I come from a close-knit family and now my family feels incomplete. There is a gap that daddy left that no one else can ever fill. Secondly, I have been here before. Ten years ago, I lost a daughter named Ruthe. The day she died, a part of me died with her. I gradually learnt to live again but I have lived in fear of going through that experience again ever since.
I noticed that since then, I wanted to hold on to my loves and never let go. I became more diligent about collecting memories, taking photos every chance I got. I could not part ways with a loved one before I properly documented the experience. I also tried to make sure that I didn’t leave things unsaid or undone just in case I did not get another opportunity. I remember certain moments vividly because I was intentional about being present and then filing away the experience in my memory bank so I could relive them again and again. On a subconscious level, I knew this memory bank would become a treasure trove when the time inevitably came that I didn’t have my loves with me anymore. It’s only now as I write this that I recognise what it was that I was doing.
One such time of memory collecting was four months ago at a cousin’s wedding. A wedding song was sung that my father requested. I saw him walk to the DJ to make the request and he made sure that it was slotted into the programme. When it was sung, he seemed to delight in it so much. I was seated at a table behind him and I watched him, his side profile, as he looked at the lead singer and sang along. He clearly didn’t know most of the words but he sang along nonetheless. He had this expression of pure joy on his face and his joy brought me joy. Daddy sometimes exhibited curiosity and joy that was pure and almost child-like and I loved it. So I filed this memory away like so many others in anticipation of the day when my fear might be realised and I couldn’t watch him or his joy anymore.
Yet somehow, through this loss, I no longer experience that fear as I did before. It somehow seems to have lost its power over me. Perhaps it’s a classic case where the anticipation of something happening is far worse than the actual thing itself. Perhaps it’s an acceptance of the inevitability of death and loss that I did not have before. Perhaps it’s the peace of God that I am experiencing. Perhaps it’s all of these things or maybe it’s something else, a reason I am yet to grasp. All I know is that I seem to be coping better than I ever imagined I would. I am heartbroken and devastated yet I also feel peace and hope. I want to share some of the things I am finding helpful in dealing with this loss.
My Faith
I believe in Jesus Christ. I believe that the Bible is God’s Word. According to that Word, Jesus holds daddy’s spirit just like He holds my daughter’s spirit. He counted out all of their days on this earth and when their days were done, He called them home to Himself. I believe they sleep now but I have the expectant hope that when the time comes, they shall be woken to live out in eternity with God. I believe that I will be called home someday as well. I was put on earth for a purpose and when it’s fulfilled I will also rest until I am woken or resurrected to live out forever with God and my loves. This belief comforts and strengthens me.
When I first wake up and the realisation hits me all over again that daddy’s gone, or when a memory of him brings me to tears I cry. Yet I do not cry in vain or in despair because of the expectant hope I carry. I also believe in the power of prayer. When I pray, I feel God comforting me and even taking my pain away. I pray in the moments when I feel unsure of this hope I carry or feel overwhelmed with sorrow. I feel at peace in my heart when I seemingly have no reason to because I look to a higher power. He brings me hope and strength for each moment of each day. He sustains me such that I feel a lightness of being.
Relying on My Loves
Something else I’m finding so helpful in dealing with loss is reaching out to my family and my friends. I lean on my mum, my siblings, and extended family now more than ever just as they lean on me. My friends are a lifeline I draw on again and again. I always say that when I count my blessings, my loves, the people I hold near and dear, are right at the top of the list. A phone call, a text message, or sometimes just knowing they are available has been something I rely on every day. When I need to give expression to my grief, whatever that looks like in the moment, they allow me to do that and are there for me. Sometimes I just want to have a regular conversation. Sometimes I don’t want to speak at all. They are available through it all. If you’re reading this my loves, thank you very much. I love you deeply.
Doing What I Love
Doing what I love and enjoy can be so cathartic. For me, this means enjoying the simple ordinary pleasures of everyday life. I call this “going back to basics”. I find it can be healing for me. Things that I enjoy but would ordinarily take for granted give me something to do in the moments when, in my grief, I don’t know what to do with myself. They are like food for my hurting and broken soul. I take pleasure in a hot beverage much like Sheldon Cooper would recommend. Coffee or tea usually does the trick. At times, I sip it as though it were the last drink I will ever have. It reminds me that I am still alive especially in the moments when I feel like I really don’t want to go on.
I take a walk in the park and immerse myself in the experience. I take a refreshing hot shower and feel grateful that I have hot running water. This past weekend I went to the beach. It was painful because I experience memories of daddy pretty much everywhere I go. The beach was no different. I tell myself it’s an indication of how much I loved him and the good times we shared. It’s a testament to the relationship we had. I tell myself the hurt will subside but the memories will remain. Sometimes I watch an inspirational or funny video. Whatever feels good at that moment, no matter how mundane or ordinary gets me through the rough moments. In short, I give myself some extra TLC.
Holding onto GoodMemories
When something terrible happens, it may be difficult to remember the good times or to find the good in the world. I find that in those moments, my soul yearns for the good much like my lungs might yearn for air in an oxygen-deprived environment. Thankfully, I have a rich memory bank to draw from. I was pleasantly surprised and grateful at the good memories that flooded my brain even moments after hearing of daddy’s passing. I felt the need to surround myself with photos and thoughts of him, the things he said, the things he did, the things he loved and enjoyed. Every day I remember the good times we shared, the good things he did, and taught me. I talk about it every chance I get. I allow myself to be blessed and enriched by it even if, right now, it’s mixed with sorrow. When the sorrow clears, only the good will remain.
TalkingAbout It
Grieving is a very challenging and difficult process. It is painful, life-altering, and may rock you to your core. You will need help as you go through it. One of the things that help is talking about it. They say a problem shared is a problem halved. I don’t know about halving but speaking what’s on my mind and heart has been really helpful. I give myself permission to talk about where I’m at emotionally, psychologically, etcetera. I say to give myself permission because a lot of the times I want to bottle in it. I am an introvert. I am a private person. Plus, I come from an African culture where talking it out isn’t the norm. I am intentional about letting it all out when I talk to my family and friends or when I am in a space where I feel safe and encouraged to talk it out.
Choosing to Go On
This is a tough one. I will not lie to you, my friends. How do you go on when your life shifts in such a profound and painful way? How do you pick up the pieces when your world and your heart feel shattered? In the first few days after daddy passed, same as when Ruthe did, I remember watching people around me and thinking to myself, “How can they carry on as if the world is still the same? They are blissfully unaware that someone who meant the world to me isn’t in this world anymore. Even those that are aware aren’t affected as I have been. The world needs to take a pause.”
However, the world doesn’t pause. Time doesn’t stand still. Whilst that sucks, I also find that there is power and a quiet strength I get from choosing to go on. Some days, going on means just making it out of bed and taking a shower. Yesterday I made it out of bed only to get back into bed at midday, vowing to “go on” later on because I couldn’t at that moment. Other days it means I have a productive, ‘normal’ day, ticking stuff off my task list and feeling like I have things under control. Whatever it looks like on any given day, I choose to carry on.
Taking Things Moment by Moment
A good friend of mine likes to say, ”How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.” I’m not sure why we’re eating elephants but I like the analogy. The best way to get past a mammoth task is one small step at a time. Learning to live in my new reality is a daunting and painful task I can only do step by step. Sometimes a step is 5 seconds because I feel I only have the strength and will to make it past the next 5 seconds. At times, a step is an entire day. Over time, I know a step will get longer and longer. What I need the most now is to be patient with myself and not rush the process.
Helping Others
I find that shifting my focus to others’ needs and how I can help them to be very healing for me and possibly for them as well. I feel less alone when I help someone else. I feel really good about myself. My own pain doesn’t go away but taking the time to help someone with their need takes my mind of mine. I also like the idea of using my experience and pain to bring about some good for someone else. That, in turn, also surrounds me with goodness. Of course, this not an exhaustive list but these are the main things that are helping me the most during this time. I hope you get some value out of reading this and perhaps using some of it.
When I think about spending quality time with God, a hike I went on in mid-January of 2012 is top of mind. It was such a rich and beautiful experience which I often look back on and treasure. Have you ever had an experience that seems so ordinary and yet it impacts you in a significant way? That’s the case for me with this hike. Someone I’d spoken with over the Christmas holidays had pointed out how I live in such a beautiful place. They inspired me to get out into nature more often because I love nature, the outdoors, and hiking. It was a lovely Saturday in Cape Town so I decided to do just that.
Photo from the hike
I was feeling like God was prompting me to take time and spend it with Him. I decided to head to Kirstenbosch Botanic Gardens to spend some quality time with God there. It’s a stunning, scenic, well-maintained, lush garden that I knew would provide a tranquil and safe space for that. After all, I feel closer to God in nature. I didn’t set out to hike though. It is generally not recommended to hike alone in South Africa for safety’s sake. I had actually never hiked alone. However, once I started walking around in the garden I couldn’t help myself. I felt drawn to climb a mountain for some reason so I hiked.
Photo from the hike
I would hike for some time then find a spot to sit with God awhile. What was meant to be a couple of hours of quiet time turned into a whole afternoon of walking and hiking along several trails in and connected to the garden. I conversed with God in my mind as I went along. The conversation was nothing profound. It was just a regular conversation like one someone might have with a friend. I could not see God yet I felt His presence so strongly that it felt tangible. It felt so natural and so real. I remember talking to God about how difficult it is to relate to Him sometimes as an incorporeal being. And so, to feel His presence that strongly following that was an affirming and direct response.
Hiking Trail
What surprised me the most was how much fun I had that day. It was as though I’d spent the afternoon with a really good friend. I walked for hours amongst the vast greenery and plant life. I took pictures of the beautiful landscape and marvelled at the splendour in the world around me as if I was seeing it for the first time. I guess I was seeing it with a fresh perspective. I washed my feet in the cool water of a stream I found and splashed some on my face. I delighted in the simplicity and the beauty of it all. A few times I felt scared of being alone with no one in sight. Yet I felt safe because I knew God was with me. At other times my brain would say, “You know this is weird, right?” Yet my soul felt loved, blessed, joyful, and filled up.
At times it was so still and quiet that I could hear the occasional rustling of leaves and creak of branches in the soft breeze. I could hear birds and insects in the thicket of trees and bushes. At some point, I could hear the gentle stream I left behind me. I imagined this was a glimpse of God’s original design. It was a design for an intimate, personal relationship with Him. It was a design for complete harmony with Him, with each other, and with nature. Everything was intended to be thriving, healthy, and pleasing. No struggling, no striving, no fear, and no death or decay. There wouldn’t be so much as a browning leaf in sight. We are meant to experience only joy, companionship, security, and wholeness. People and animals living in unity and peace side by side.
Photo from the hike
The next day, I heard a sermon that gave a deeper meaning to my desire to hike whilst spending time with God. It added another layer to my experience. It was a sermon by Brian Houston where he spoke about committing to your mountain. He spoke of how God is present not only at the beginning of something but also in the ending as well. He said that, often, seasons or phases in your life will come to an end in unexpected and abrupt ways and it’s difficult to see God’s hand in it but we should. Just because an era is over it doesn’t mean God’s done with you.
Brian also referred to Jeremiah 29:11 in the sermon saying it was spoken to a people facing an end to their dreams. Despite that, those people were told to carry on, plant gardens, marry, seek peace with their captors and continue trusting God. This struck a chord with me because since the year had begun, Jeremiah 29:11 had been on my heart. I was facing an end to some of my dreams. My life had changed in several unexpected ways, both good and not so good, over a short period. He ended off by using a mountain as an analogy saying we often face mountains in life but we need to commit to climbing the mountain because God remains faithful and will see us victorious in the end. It was like the previous day primed me to hear and be impacted by that message in a way that I might not have otherwise.
One of the things I love and appreciate about Baba (God) is what I call His “teacher heart”. He leads, guides, and teaches me with patience, grace and aptness that I can only describe as divine. He has taught me so many lessons over the years which I have carried with me and have drawn from so many times. This particular lesson – keep your eyes on the God you serve, not your circumstances – is an example of this. Whilst it wasn’t a concept that I was hearing for the first time, this teaching took on a deeper and more personal meaning for me in May of 2011.
For context, I was going through a difficult time at that time. In the year leading up to that morning, some of the major changes I’d gone through included starting my first “big girl” job, moving house, becoming a born-again Christian, losing my daughter the day she was born due to a genetic condition and seeing two close relationships end in a very unpleasant way. I was learning to lean on God through all these changes and challenges. Much to my delight, I was discovering that I could ask a question of Baba and He would provide a timely, fitting and appropriate response in unexpected ways.
Sometimes, such as on this particular morning, I wouldn’t even have to explicitly ask the question. I was on a taxi on the way to work and in the state of mind that I was in, I felt like I was watching life happen from within a bubble. When I am depressed or going through a difficult time I tend to be absent-minded and more forgetful than usual. I got off the taxi at my stop and left my work laptop behind without even realising it! I remember floating into my office building, making it past all the pleasantries, walking into my office, switching on the light and immediately feeling confused.
Why was my desk so bare? Where was my laptop? Why did I feel like something was amiss? Then it dawned on me in a weird, slow-motion sort of way. I remember panicking and immediately rushing out of my office to retrace my steps whilst simultaneously praying. I was already imagining the worst and relaying all my thoughts to God as I went. What were the odds that I would find the laptop? When was my last backup? Could I recover all my data from backup? Would I be able to ensure the security of my data on the laptop? How quickly could I replace it if need be?
I imagined someone finding my laptop even as I went to search for it. How happy would that person be at their good fortune? What were the chances that they’d want to return it? I must say that my faith in humanity failed in that moment as I thought those thoughts. Then another thought, seemingly out of nowhere, occurred to me. Simply put, focus on God, not your problem. I immediately felt that it was God speaking to me, reassuring me. However, my mind soon returned to worrying about the problem at hand. Where would I even begin to start searching for my laptop? Then I remembered something.
I’d sat next to the taxi driver which meant I’d helped him collect and count fare from the other passengers. Someone had paid with a busted, counterfeit R5 coin that the driver refused to take. No one owned up to it and so I reluctantly decided to just take it as part of my change. I’d thought that would be the least confrontational and “Christianly” thing to do. Had it not been for that incident, I wouldn’t have remembered anything about the driver or the taxi I rode on. Now, I knew exactly what the driver looked like and details about the car like the seats having yellow stripes on them. That incident with the R5 coin which had annoyed me, in retrospect, now seemed like providence to me.
After trying to catch up with the taxi and quickly realising that would be futile – there were different routes a taxi could take – I was told my best bet was to wait at the taxi station for the car to show up. That was the hub where he’d inevitably return to after each trip. I quickly rushed back to the station and waited for what seemed like an eternity. What happened next not only cemented the lesson I was learning – keep your eyes on your God, not your problem – it renewed my faith in humanity. It answered a question I hadn’t even realised I was asking. How am I going to get through all this?
The driver of the taxi had arrived back at the station and spotted me long before I spotted him. He managed to get my attention and beckoned me to the car. I noticed how he carefully took my laptop from where he’d kept it safe for me and handed it back to me with a smile like it was no big deal. It was a big deal for me. I thanked him profusely and made my way back to work armed with treasures: my recovered laptop, my renewed faith in humanity, gratitude, and a life lesson from Baba – focus on God, not your circumstances. I keep a busted up R5 coin to remind me lest I forget.
iBloom for God 