Faith

Christian-related

Stillness II

| Flo

Of mind, heart and soul.

The sun is out and the weather is mild – not too hot, not too cold, just perfect. There’s a slight breeze blowing every now and then. It is Friday mid-afternoon and the roads are fairly quiet. I decided it was a perfect day for a walk. I wanted to get in a bit of exercise and, usually, I couple that with an errand where possible. I’d run out of sugar and I needed to replace a canister that had broken a couple of days earlier. So, I put on some comfortable walking shoes, grab a mask, and my purse and off I go.

As I walk out of my apartment complex gate, I smile and wave at the security guards at the gate. I always make it a point to greet them. They smile and greet me back, one with a nod and a formal, “Good afternoon,” and the other with a more casual, “Hello, sisi”. I keep smiling as I walk on, thinking about the differences in their personalities. Formal guy takes himself and his job very, very seriously. I noticed this the first time I met him. Casual guy is the embodiment of happy-go-lucky. He never seems to have a bad day.

The first half of my walk goes by fairly quickly. My thoughts turn to an upsetting conversation I’d had earlier. I turn it over this way and that way in my head, processing it. I pray about it briefly then let it go. Next, my thoughts turn to daydreaming. I enjoy creating scenarios in my head, allowing myself to dream. At some point, my attention turns to the people around me. I indulge in some people-watching for some time, another one of my favourite pastimes. People do fascinate me so.

Then I notice the sun is shining directly onto me and I’m getting uncomfortably warm. I cross the road to walk under the shade that the left-hand side of the road offers. I haven’t been to this neighbourhood in a long time and memories flood in from a time in my life when I used to frequent that area almost every day. Looking around, I see so many things have changed and yet many have stayed the same. It is the same with me. In many ways, I have stayed the same, and yet, I have changed in so many other ways.

Finally, I reach my destination and I buy my sugar. While I’m at it, I see some cinnamon sugar that’s reduced to clear next to the regular sugar. I grab the shaker and mentally picture all the things I would do with it. A mental image of a yummy latte with a few shakes of cinnamon sugar causes me to start salivating. Then, I remember that I haven’t eaten all day save for a pear. As I leave the shop, I also remember that I intended to find a quiet space and visit with God. I need to be still in the presence of God, surrendering everything to Him.


It’s so easy to get caught up in your own desires and needs.

I also realise the day will be over soon and if I wait until I get home, this may not happen today. I decide to find my quiet and still space right there during my walk. At first, it isn’t easy, not because of everything going on around me, but because of everything going on within me. I had to admit to God that I was afraid to truly hear what He has to say. What if I don’t like it? I was equally apprehensive about not hearing anything at all. I believe that when we move towards God, He moves near to us (James 4:8) but I was scared nonetheless.

After my daydreaming earlier in my walk, it seemed clear to me that I needed to do more of seeking the kingdom of God first. It’s so easy to get caught up in your own desires and needs. So, I confess these fears and the inner congestion to God. I walk and talk with God, becoming more aware of my inner state of being and of my surroundings as well. I begin to surrender everything to God. How does one surrender? I think I know but I ask God to remind and show me how to surrender, nonetheless, and lead me because I can’t accomplish it without Him.

I walk past a beautiful block of apartments that catches my eye. I chat to God about it as I admire how it’s built. I get distracted for a little while by the people, the cars and everything going on around me. I realise I’m feeling vulnerable, so it is easier to focus on other things. “I will not run away or hide,” I say to God, “I will run to You instead and hide in the shadow of your wings,” (Psalm 91:4). I talk to God some more about my inner-most thoughts. As I walk, I find that I want to keep walking until I find myself in a new place, a place of adventure and discovery, a place of new beginnings…

Love,

Stillness

| Flo

Of mind, heart and soul.

My best friend and I had a call and, true to form, it was a long call. We spoke for a good two hours. The call was just what I needed. I had had a particularly challenging week on so many fronts which resulted in reflection and asking myself some really hard life questions. I needed someone to talk to about and potentially help me navigate the head space I found myself in. I’m very blessed to have friends and family with whom I can speak freely.

What did I need to talk about? Well, what do you do when you find yourself in a space where you’re not happy with where you are in life or the trajectory that you are on. The short and obvious answer is change it. It’s never too late to pivot, to change your life and start investing in yourself and in the future you dream of. It’s never too late rebuild. I have been on this journey for a little while now and have invested a lot time and energy on rebuilding and pivoting.

I have prayed many times and asked God for guidance and help. I believe I’ve seen and heard God respond in several ways, some of them surprising, some of them challenging, most of them exciting. Many of them are promises; they have not yet come to pass. I’ve attended masterclasses and watched more webinars than I care to count. I’ve started to read again, something that had fallen on the back burner in the busyness of adulting as did my writing. I have done a lot of introspecting. I have tried as best as I could to implement what I’ve learnt.

As long as there is breath in my body, I am resolved to do the work I need to do to become a better version of me and live the life I believe I am called to live. The challenge though is that it is not always clear what that looks like and, or how to get there. It can also be very difficult and demoralising when you do not see the results for your efforts yet. It’s very easy to start feeling or operating like that fly at the window bashing it’s body against it in a bid to get outside not knowing that that’s a fruitless path.

So there I was, pouring my heart out to Bestie. I expected we were going to breakout the pen and paper at some point and systematically rework ‘the plan’ as it were. Instead, she said something I did not anticipate. She encouraged me to find a space, physical or otherwise, where I can be still and in a state of surrender.

In that space I should sit with God and leave room for Him to be God. Like that fly against the window, it may be that I am bashing myself on a path that is not for me. Meanwhile, God wants to show me an open window I can fly through and soar.

On the other hand, perhaps the fly analogy does not apply to me and I need to keep pushing forward in faith – on a side note, why am I even using a fly analogy? I find them repulsive, but anyway, I digress. Either way, the best thing I can do is to still myself, still my soul and wait on God. This reminded me of a sermon I heard some years ago about waiting on God. The preacher described how waiting on God cleaves you to Him. That is, you stick closely and are glued to Him. He went onto to add that cleaving to God makes you stronger and provides you with the best support to rise, to grow.

He gave an example of a climbing vine growing against a wall or structure. Without the support, this vine cannot rise or grow well. However, once it has grown on and intertwined with a structure, it is stronger and cannot be easily torn down. That sermon really spoke to me at the time and I recalled it as Bestie spoke. Her words resonated with me even more as a result. I was focused on what I needed to do, when I needed to do it and how I was going to do it. These are not negative things to keep in mind; however, it all was starting to feel a bit too much for me.

I was feeling discouraged and overwhelmed by the sheer amount of stuff I wanted and needed to accomplish. Quite frankly, I was starting to look for an escape. Well, I may have found one. I’m looking forward to finding a serene and beautiful space to sit and visit with God. I’m anticipating stillness of mind where I surrender the myriad of thoughts and plans and questions running through my head. I am looking forward to the stillness in my soul, nothing weighing on me. My heart shall be still as I seek God and what He has in store on the other side of this season. Even now, I feel the peace of God flooding in.

Love,

Cheesecake and dreams

| Flo

You will enjoy it and be blessed

Have you ever had a food craving so bad that you can almost taste the thing you’re craving? You see it in your mind’s eye? You practically taste in your mouth? I don’t know. Perhaps, it is just me. I get very specific food cravings sometimes, and worse, at times, it doesn’t go away until the craving is satisfied. That was me yesterday. I’m a sucker for a baked cheesecake on any given day but yesterday, as I lay in bed, I craved for a creamy, decadent, well-baked cheesecake that’s not too sweet or rich but just right.

Today, I decided to spoil myself to a slice. Off I went to a shop near me that sells good cheesecake. When I got there, there were two options, a blueberry cheesecake and what looked like a traditional cheesecake. My interest was in the blueberry cheesecake, however, an unexpected option presented itself – an indulgent-looking chocolate and hazelnut cake. That’s another thing about me. I always want to explore all options before making a choice. If you give me enough choices, trust that I’ll contemplate each one a fair amount.

The restaurant where I was buying the cheesecake is attached to a supermarket, and on weekends, they bring cake from the restaurant into the supermarket to entice shoppers with a discounted price. Instead of just standing there pondering whether I’d stick with the cheesecake or switch to the chocolate cake, I decided to go and buy some other items I needed whilst I was thinking. Sure enough, it didn’t take long for me to decide. It was the cheesecake that had my heart. So, I returned to the cake station ready to make my purchase. 

There was only one slice of the cheesecake left. It had my name on it. I had a date with that cake. In front of me was a man buying several slices of the runner-up chocolate cake. I waited patiently for my turn as he changed his mind about how many slices he wanted and the server complied. When he was done, he didn’t move away. I watched as, almost in slow motion, he gestured towards my cake! He was buying it! Well, I suppose I could have just a regular cheesecake, I figured. There he was again, gesturing towards that cake too!! 

At that point, I lost it. I couldn’t let him get away with my cheesecake.

“You’re buying them?” I asked. Before he could even respond, the lady behind the counter piped in, “You were here earlier when there were three slices. You should have jumped at the chance but you just had to take time to decide.” She wasn’t being unkind and I knew she was right. I couldn’t focus on her words though. I was determined to save my cake. “Don’t you want a slice of that other amazing cake over there?” I smilingly asked the man. He smiled back and said he didn’t. 

I was not deterred. “You know, I’ve been thinking about cheesecake since yesterday,” I tried again, “Don’t you wanna trade for that equally delicious-looking lemon cake?” This time he laughed and gave me a brotherly side-hug. “No, I’m sorry. I want the cheesecake.” I was in disbelief. Did that just happen?! I had just missed out on my cheesecake. “I didn’t want your hug, sir,” I thought to myself, “I wanted your cheesecake!” Luckily though, the lady behind the counter decided to help me out. She explained that because it was New Year’s eve, they hadn’t baked a lot of cheesecake, but, if there was any left in the restaurant, she’d sell it to me for the discounted price.

In the restaurant, they had milk tart cheesecake. I was disappointed. This isn’t the level of decadence I was looking for. If my memory was accurate, I’d had it before and it was a little too rich for my liking. I wanted a citrusy or zesty tang to my cheesecake. The thought of going for the chocolate cake was even less appealing. Yet another thing about me, once I set my mind on something, I don’t change it easily. I wanted cheesecake, so I decided to go with cheesecake even though it wasn’t the flavour I wanted. On the way home, I felt God comforting me. It began to melt my disappointment away.

All at once, I felt silly. There are bigger things going on in the world, and, here I was, overly invested in a cheesecake slice. In that moment, there was God again saying, “It is okay.” I could feel that familiar warmth of His love and presence that feels like the biggest hug enveloping me. I decided that if my Father in heaven cared that I was disappointed about a cheesecake and chose that moment to minister to my soul, I would take it and stop feeling silly. I did pray for my perspective to shift from just me and my immediate circumstances to Him and what He is doing.

“You will enjoy the cheesecake,” I heard God say, not once, but several times as He continued to minister to my soul. I had thought that I would have my cake later in the evening or even tomorrow because I didn’t my disappointment to spoil my enjoyment of it. However, He encouraged me to have it when I got home. Why? Because I would enjoy it, He said. Life and dreams are a little bit like the cheesecake, aren’t they? Sometimes, you want something so bad. You can see it. You can almost taste it. It has your name practically written on it. And then… You do not get it.

Perhaps, you take your eye off the ball. Perhaps, someone swoops in a little faster than you do. Perhaps, it was just not meant to be. However, God is too good, too generous, too kind and too much of a blesser to ever leave you empty handed. God is too sovereign and too much of a planner to leave things to chance. Even when you don’t get what you want, God will always give you what you need. Moreover, you will be blessed by it.

I did enjoy that cheesecake, guys, every bite of it. It was just the taste I had dreamed of yesterday and didn’t even realise it.

So, whether it’s something as small and mundane as cheesecake or something as big and life-changing as that dream job or life partner or child of your own, God knows it all. He knows about it, and He cares about it. He cares about you, and He walks with you every step of the way, guiding you even when you don’t realise it. He comforts you when you need it, and He fulfils that dream. Now, it may not always be fulfilled in the way that you wanted or hoped but God will fulfil it and you will be blessed. Just put your trust in Him!

Love,