Today, out of the blue, I found myself reflecting on the special bond between a grandparent and a grandchild – more specifically, a grandmother and granddaughter. Naturally, my thoughts turned to my Bestie, remembering her fondly. While the memory brought a tear or two to my eyes, it didn’t carry the same pain or guilt or condemnation I carried just four months ago.

When she passed, the pain of grief came, as it does. That’s natural. As a Christian, a woman whose confidence and faith are anchored in Christ and the life eternal He promises, I grieved with expectant hope. It wasn’t a crippling grief. But there was another kind of pain I carried, though – one that lingered for months. 

I struggled with the fact that I wasn’t there to close her eyes when the time came.

I was nearly 900km away when then. Messages came in from my family with her: She is deteriorating rapidly; she is very sick. I began making plans to travel to her, and I prayed. 

Then came another message – this time from God: Pray for healing.

I was surprised. She was almost 97, and to my understanding, people her age didn’t recover from stroke and serious illness. It seemed unlikely. Yet, I believed and I rejoiced. I prayed for healing as instructed and watched and waited to see what God would do. 

He came through – she improved for some time. 

But then, she declined again. The day before she passed, I called home. Something told me to ask my mum to place the phone next to her ear so I could speak to her. I didn’t. I figured it might strain her. I wasn’t even sure she could hear me. Little did I know that that was the last opportunity I’d have to speak with her.

The next day, the news of her transition to glory came. 

That was about a week before I was set to travel home. Instead, I travelled that same day, my heart broken that I didn’t get to see her one last time, and she didn’t get to see me in her hour of need. That thought stayed with me for months – six, to be exact. 

It brought guilt. Questions. I questioned whether I’d heard correctly from my Heavenly Dad. I questioned my ability to discern His voice. I even questioned the state of my heart. I replayed everything, over and over, trying to make sense of it all. I prayed for answers and none seemed to come. But I knew better.

I knew Who to turn to and why. I didn’t lose faith, although I did not feel as secure in it as before. I kept going to church. I kept reading my Bible. I kept praying through the difficulty. I chose to hold on to God, knowing He’s dependable and makes no mistakes. I even continued to I believe what I heard Him say. I told myself, “Healing comes in many forms.” Yet, at times, my mind would wage war against me as I reflected on the whole matter.

But God…

God proved stronger than every thought, every doubt, every ache I carried. He is still in the business of binding up the broken-hearted and comforting those who weep (Isaiah 61:1 NKJV). He still brings back to life that which is dead; He still mends that which is broken (Psalm 147:3 NIV). In my life, God has taught me – and He’s taught me well – that He is the answer.

Jesus is the answer to it all.

He’s the One. He alone is my inheritance, my portion. He is my defence, my fortress, my stronghold. In Him, I find everything I need. He provides what I don’t know how to ask for, and what I don’t even yet realize I need. He is my treasure, my source. He is my answer to every question, every need, every situation.

And so, I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me! It wasn’t a one-time moment this time, although in the past, it has been. I returned to the throne of my King again and again, weeping at His feet. In my mind, I knew for a fact that I carried no guilt. Yet my heart needed the touch of my Master Physician, Jehovah Rapha. And He met me there! 

Sometime in December, during church service, I cried one last time. And in that moment, I just knew – I was leaving it all at the altar. I walked out feeling renewed and refreshed. The thing which had held this power over me lost all its power. I was smiling again, deep, genuine joy radiating from within. I once again felt the lightness of being and freedom that only Christ can bring.

Truth be known, God had been offering that peace and freedom all along.
Until the end of time, that offer remains! 

It’s yours and mine for the taking. I encourage you, if you need it, reach out and receive it. If something stands in your way – guilt or condemnation or regret or erroneous thinking – keep crying out to the Lord. His mercy is great. He will surely answer your call:

For everyone who asks receives, and he who seeks finds,
and to him who knocks it will be opened.
Or what man is there among you who, if his son asks for bread,
will give him a stone?
Or if he asks for a fish, will he give him a serpent?
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children,
how much more will your Father who is in heaven
give good things to those who ask Him!
Matthew 7: 8-11 NKJV

Love,